"The Nightmare" by Breanna Roste

Note:  My daughter Breanna just found this and gave it to me.  She wrote it when she was 13 years old, just after this all happened.  She wrote in the forward, "This book is dedicated to my loving mother Wendy Roste.

Chapter One:  The Nightmare Begins

     "Breanna Roste to the office please, Breanna Roste", the intercom blasted out.  I walked from the health room and proceeded to the office.  When I reached it the secretary said "Breanna your dad is coming to get you right away."
 "Why?"  I asked. 
"He didn't say."  As I came close to my locker an icy cold feeling came over me and I thought Mom!  She wasn't home this morning.  What happened to her?  Where is she"  I grabbed my coat and headed for the door waiting for my dads car to pull up.  Our vice-principal walked over to me and said "Your dad's coming to get you."
 "I know." I answered getting anxious.
 "Are you nervous?" He asked  
 "Yes," I replied
 "Don't be."  He told me.
     My dads car pulled up and I ran out to it.  "Where's mom?"  I asked.  With a tear in his eye he said "She's being flown to Saskatoon by air ambulance.  Last night she took half a bottle of Tylenol and tried to kill herself."  Tears streamed down my cheeks and I thought  Why?  Doesn't mom love me?
"Don't think badly of your mom Breanna.  She wasn't thinking straight."  He said sternly, but I continued to cry.
"When we get home you have to pack some clothes.  I don't know how long we'll be there."  We rolled into the garage and I climbed out of the car.  Going into my room I thought "God please don't let her die!  Mommy don't leave me!
     I scrambled around the room frantically trying to find clothes and a suitcase.  When I had finished, I put my things in the van and sat down at the piano.  Playing songs didn't seem to help so I sat on the couch.  I heard a plane overhead and knew it was mom flying to Saskatoon.  I waited for awhile with my brother when my dad came in and said "Let's pray for mom."  We sat down and prayed, asking God to be with her, then hopped into the van and were on our way.  On the way to Saskatoon my dad explained about how mom had been depressed and was on anti-depressants that he thinks made her have suicidal thoughts.  At Subway we made a quick stop to eat, but I stayed in the car.  Crying out I said "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" over and over.  When they came back I dried my tears and we headed out again.

Chapter 2:  Saskatoon

     The road was long and never-ending but we finally got there.  Right away we went to the hospital and tried to hunt down the room she was in.
"We have to be strong for mom okay you guys." my dad said
"Alright." we answered.
"Don't say anything hurtful and don't get mad at her." he said.  The trek to find her was a long process but we finally did it.  As I walked into the room there was mom.  She was lying in bed with all sorts of tubes around her.  My grandma was with her, holding her hand.
"Hi mom." I said hugging her, then dad and my brother said their hellos.  Mom had small bags under her eyes and seemed to be very cold.  A nurse came in and took her blood by pricking her finger and squeezing some out.  I closed my eyes from the sight and sat beside mom holding her hand.  My dad told me to leave and go to the waiting room so I walked over to my family.
     We watched the Olympics for awhile and then I decided to go back to my mom.  Coming in I said "I'm back mom."  She smiled and then a look of pain came over her face and she said "Hand me the bucket!"  I did so and she threw up red liquid.  I patted her back and she continued to throw up.  When she was done I sat down and started to read a magazine when she said "Are you missing school?"
"Yes" I answered
"You didn't have to come you know." she told me
"Yes I did mom."  I was wondering why she would say that
"Are you missing any tests?" she asked
"Ya, three.  One for French, Social and L.A." I replied
"Do you want me to help you study?" she asked
"Sure, but my books are in the van." I said
"Jenna's coming." I changed the subject
"She doesn't have to." Mom replied
"But she wants to come and see you." I said, getting angry that mom wouldn't want us to be there.  Another nurse came in to take her blood, so I left until she was done.  God I thought, please let her be okay.
     I went back in to find my dad there so I sat down and said "I love you mom."
"Why would you want to end your life?" my dad asked her.  After awhile she said "Because I'm a boring person."
"That's not true." I cut in
"It isn't." my dad agreed "That's a lie you've been telling yourself."
"I just can't believe I did this to myself."  Mom said shaking her head.  The doctors came in and told me to leave so I walked outside and stood with my brother.  It seemed like hours that we stood there. 
"This is torture!" I said "We don't even know what's happening."  When we were allowed to go back in our grandparents were there so we went for supper.  In the hospital cafeteria we grabbed some food and then went back up to see her.  She was being moved to a new room in the observation unit so we all tagged behind her stretcher.

Chapter 3:  The Day of Doom

     Once in the room we had to wait for them to settle her in, then saw her once more before we headed to my grandma's apartment.  She had just lost her husband the month before so this was really hard on her.  To keep my mind off things I watched a movie but as soon as it was over, I remembered so I went to sleep.  Later on I expected my sister to crawl into bed but she never came and I awoke to people talking.  My sister was there and she had not come to bed  because she stayed at the hospital with my mom but couldn't sleep because of all the noise.  We had a hearty breakfast and drove back to the hospital to find mom asleep.  I sat down and held her hand, caressing her forehead light enough not to wake her because she looked so peaceful.  My sister sat down beside me and said "Hi"
|Shhhh. Mom's asleep." I told her
"Okay, I'll just pray for her." she said.  A nurse walked in to take moms blood again and she awoke, yawning and stretching.
"I just need your finger." the nurse told her
"I'm so tired" Mom said
"That's okay." I told her
"I've never laid in bed this long before." she said "I should do something."
"No mom! You need to sleep." I said sternly
"This is probably so boring for you." she said
"Mom, I came here by choice, not because I had to. Of course I'm not bored." I said "Now you sleep and get better."  She closed her eyes and was asleep almost immediately.  As the day went on I could see how she progressively got worse and the doctors said if she got too bad they would send her to Edmonton for a possible liver transplant.
"I don't want to go to Edmonton" Mom said with a hint of fear in her voice.  I left for lunch and came back to my sister wailing, being held by the nurse saying "I just can't imagine life without you mom."  I went over to her and tried to calm her down and said
"You have to be strong for mom."
Later the doctors came in and said "We have to take some tests on you.  Now hold up your hands in the air."  She slowly held her hands up shaking wildly.
"Mrs. Roste do you have any children?" they asked
"Yes" she replied
"How many?"
"Three"
"How old are they?"  She thought for awhile and then said "Thirteen....." then couldn't remember anymore.  "Oh Mommy" I thought.  My sister started to cry but mom just laid there totally oblivious to what was happening.  The doctors told us they wanted to send her to Edmonton before her liver failed too much.  I started to cry and flung myself into my sisters arms whispering "I don't want to loose my mommy.'  Then I started crying uncontrollably "I know."  She was weeping as well.  We stood there trying to be strong for mom but it was so hard.

Chapter 4:  The Road to Edmonton

Some ladies from our church came to see her and she said exactly what she had said to everyone else.
"You didn't have to come."
"We wanted to."  They told her "We love you."  She looked up at them and said "I'll be fine."  I left her and said "I'll be right back mom."  Going out of the room I went into the bathroom and collapsed into a heap saying, "God please don't take away my mom."  I went back because I had promised mom.  Around 5:00 pm the liver transplant coordinator for Saskatchewan came to talk with our family.  Taking us into a separate room she told us about the possibility for a liver transplant for mom.
     "The success rate is about 95%." she said making it sound hopeful.  "She'll be at the top of the list because by the time she needs a liver she'll be the sickest person in Canada."  Those words hit me like a sledge hammer.   Sickest person in Canada, a whole country.  Oh my God! That really freaked me out but when she had finished, my dad suggested that we pray.  By then my brother, sister, dad, grandparents, and I were all crying hard and we said a few prayers then left the room to tell others what was happening.  She was going to go to Edmonton tonight so we had to get a move on it if we wanted to get there when she got there because it was a six hour drive.  We all went back to the room and told mom we'd see her in Edmonton but my sister was the boldest.
"No matter what happens..."  She said "there can only be a good outcome.  Either you come home with us which is what we want, or you'll go to heaven."  I stood there shocked that she would actually say that to her, but those words got no reaction, it was like she didn't even know that she might die.
     It took forever for us to leave and my dad was going to go on the plane with mom so we had to ride with one of the ladies from our church.  It was 7:00 pm and we started to leave when we got a phone call saying that the plane wasn't there so we should just go back to the hospital.  About three blocks away, we got another phone call saying the plane had arrived so we could leave now.  Frustrated, we turned around and left the city after a bite to eat.  Along the way I tried to sleep but my head was spinning and I was only worried about mom.  Only three hours from our destination my dad called
"Hi" he said  "Guess what?  They didn't let me on the plane."
"What!  Why not?"  I asked shocked
"They said they've never let anyone on the plane before and whoever told me I could go on didn't know what they were saying."  he replied
"That's really stupid.  They said you could go."  I said angrily
"Well I wasn't going to argue, so I'm going to have to get a ride up there."
"Alright.  Bye."  I said and hung up the phone.  I told everyone what had happened and they were as confused and angry as I was, but we had to live with it. 

Chapter 5:  Waiting

     When we arrived we went to the hospital right away.  I stepped out of the vehicle and a massive building was before me and I walked into the emergency room.  We went to the front desk to see if she had arrived and to our surprise she hadn't .  There was a Tim Hortons across the street so we went to get some food.  I didn't eat anything but just looked out the window and waited for the ambulance carrying mom to arrive.  About an hour later we went back to the ER but she still hadn't arrived and we were getting nervous.  A woman from the front desk came over to us and said that the plane had just left Saskatoon so we decided to get some rest.  Since my sister was going to university we went to her room and tried to sleep for four people and two single beds don't work well together.  We made do but at 6:00 am they phoned to say that she was there and so were our cousins.  I was glad to hear the news that she was alright so far but still a little worried we got over to the hospital as fast as we could.  We found her in a room in the Intensive Care Unit so we went in to see her, careful to keep everything clean and wash our hands.  As I walked in the room I saw her laying there with tubes and machines all around her.  Her eyelids were swollen and purple, her whole body was bloated from the medicine and she looked like a totally different person.  Afraid to step closer I stopped and put my head down.  My sister started to pray and I reached out and touched my mom every so softly, afraid to wake her.  I closed my eyes and pictured how she used to look and pretended that this had never happened.  "I love you mom."  I said, but she didn't respond.  Somewhere deep down I knew she heard me.
     After a few moments with her, I went into a smaller room that had been reserved for our family.  Inside was my father, sister, the pastor from our church and another pastor from Edmonton.  They were talking and I decided to stay in the room for awhile.  After a time I wanted to sleep and wait for another day to come.

Chapter 6:  Panic Room

     The next day proved to be one of the down days for the most part.  All we did was sit in a room and wait.  At one point a small Chinese woman poked her head through
the door and said  "Hello, I'm just going to ask a few questions regarding the patient.  I would only like the family in the room please."  My cousins walked out and the woman sat down.  She began to ask me questions since I was the only family member in the room when my dad, brother, and sister walked in.  The woman reintroduced herself and continued with questions like "Has she ever been depressed before?"  or "Has she ever tried to kill herself before?" and we answered as honestly as we possibly could.  The lady was trying to decide if mom should get a liver because they felt that if she got one and then killed herself, it would have been a waste.  I understood where they were coming from but I still wanted mom to get a liver.  Another lady walked in saying
"Hi.  I'm the liver transplant coordinator for Alberta.  I'm just going to give you some background information on liver transplants and some of the things I say you won't want to hear but that's okay."  We nodded, nervous about what she would say.  "Liver transplants..." she began "are not that common but we do about 90 per year.  The success rate is about 95% but at the stage your mom is right now I'd say it would be about 80%.  We haven't had a liver donor now for about six weeks but we aren't even sure that we'll put her on the list yet because there is still a chance for her liver to turn around."  She drawled on "Liver transplants have some complications to them.  Getting her through the operation will be no problem but after it she'll have an 80% chance of infection and her immune system will be suppressed, so she'll have a harder time getting over them.  There's about a 5% chance of complications with the small nerves that get reconnected in the liver and about 17% chance of something happening to
                ."  She said and as I listened the news got worse.  It felt as though someone had put a weight on my chest and I felt heavy and hot.  My hands reached for my face and I fought back tears that threatened to come pouring out with every word the woman said.  She kept on talking but I wasn't listening, overwhelmed I wanted to stand up and scream, "Shut up!  I don't want to hear anymore!"  I zoned out and sat there trying to take in the news that had been given to me    ".... of course, she'll have to take medication for the rest of her life and they'll decrease over time how much she has to take but they will be expensive.  Costs after the surgery will be around $5,000-$6,000 a month.  I know that's a lot of money and most people can't afford that but I think some of it is covered by your health plan if you have one.  We don't even know if we'll put her on the list yet so you don't have to worry about that right now.  And if we put her on the list you are going to have to make the decision for her.  You're going to decide if she get the liver or not and we want to know if she'll be angry that she's still alive or if she'll be glad and take responsibility for this." she said.
"Of course she'll be glad."  my dad said "it wasn't her to do something like this and she'll be happy to be alive still.  I know she would take responsibility for this because she'd want it for her kids and her family." 
"Alright," she said "We'll go decide if she should be on the list."  And with that she left.

Chapter 7:  The Call

"Let's pray for mom now."  My dad suggested and we began to pray when the woman came back and said
"We've decided to put her on the list."  She left again and we continued to pray that she would get a liver.  I wanted her own liver to turn around because even through a liver transplant would give her back to us it sounded pretty risky and life changing.  We left the small room and went our to meet my mom's family and dad told them what was happening.  I didn't want to hear it again so I sat with my baby cousin and thought "He's so lucky.  He doesn't have to deal with any of this.  All he has to do is eat and sleep."  And at that moment I wanted to be him.  When my dad finished, everyone hugged us.
"You're so strong."  my uncle whispered in my ear "You're gonna get through this."
"Thanks," I said.  Still feeling faint I said "I need to leave.  I can't stay at the hospital.  I need to think."
"You can come to my apartment." my cousin Kristy told me, "I'll drive you there."  We left and drove to her apartment and when we arrived I looked up at the 14 story building.  Maureen Manor it was called and as I walked inside, I was enveloped by the smell of shampoo.  We went up to the 12th floor and this time I smelled smoke.  I held my breath as she tried to open the door and went inside.  I sat down breathing heavily and tried to calm myself down by drinking a glass of water.  The next few hours were fun and made it easy to forget what had happened.  We were watching a movie when the phone rang
"Hello."  my auntie said "Really?  Oh my gosh!  Bre."  Handing me the phone she said "It's your dad.  They found a liver."  Those words were the greatest I had ever heard in my life.  I picked up the phone
"Hi dad."  I said trying to hold in my joy
"Did you hear?  Mom's gonna get a liver."  He said and I could tell he had been crying "They're going to do the operation at 2:00 am because they want the liver to be as fresh as possible."
"That's so great!" I said.  I hung up the phone and started jumping around the room with my brother.  We decide to sleep and then go to the hospital for the operation so I phoned my friend and told her what happened.  After about an hour I fell asleep and when I awoke we went to the hospital.  Up in the waiting room my whole family was waiting and praying so I came in and sat down.  After awhile we saw the doctors wheeling her into the surgery room down the hall and we went out to watch.  I didn't want to stay the whole eight hours so I asked if we could leave. 

Chapter 8:  Going Home

Over the next few weeks we went in to see her every day as she got better and better.  Her eyes began to clear up and she started to respond.  As soon as it had begun we had to leave but it was far from over.  We went in one last time to see her and I said
"Hi mom, I love you."  She opened her eyes and I took a step back because there were blood red.  We said goodbye and left on the long trip home.  My grandma would be staying with us so as soon as we got home my dad turned around and went back.  The next few weeks were a blur.  I just went to school, ate, slept and went to Edmonton on weekends.  My dad would phone us all the time and fill us in on how mom was doing and she seemed pretty good.  One night when I was taking a bath my grandma gave me the phone
"Hi"  I heard a voice say
"Mom?"

To be continued.....