If I knew then what I know today.....
... I would have gone to the Emergency.
... Or gone to talk to a close friend.
... I would have told my husband what I was going through, instead of trying to protect him.
... Or gone to my church to talk to our pastor, who would have taken me to emergency.
... I would know that this was temporary, that life would become tolerable again.
... If I had belonged to a mental health support group, there would be someone to listen.
But none of these scenarios happened. Instead, I went to a funeral. After 6 weeks of suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, and almost no sleep, all I could think of was I wanted to be her. At the front of the church, in a casket, without thoughts, at peace, in heaven. I wanted the pain and the bad thoughts gone. My family would be happier, better off without me, I reasoned. Actually, I didn't reason, as my mind wasn't functioning properly.
Following the funeral, I drove straight to the pharmacy, and being Valentine's Day was just two days away, I carefully bought four. One for Ed, Jenna, Michael and Breanna. I also picked up a bottle of Extra Strength Tylenol and drove home.
On each of the Valentines I wrote what a wonderful person each of them was, then placed each card on that person's pillow. Then I got back in my vehicle and drove past the Meadow Lake Pulp Mill where my husband was the manager. The reason I hadn't shared with him how bad my depression was, because he had recently laid off 28 workers, many of them our personal friends. He had also been taking classes to earn his MBA while he managed the pulp mill. In the midst of this stressful time, his Dad passed away. I felt I couldn't add to his stress, so I kept quiet. Part of my problem was being on the wrong medication, but I didn't realize there were other options.
So there I sat on an abandoned road, feeling completely empty. I began counting as I ingested the Extra Strength Tylenol. I counted to 50 and waited. Several minutes passed.
Thankfully, I was reminded that my daughter Breanna had asked for a ride home from school, so I drove back to Meadow Lake. I still felt OK, so I made supper and then became sick. Ed went to the church council meeting, never dreaming what was happening to me. By morning, when Ed checked on me, my liver was already too far gone. Panic stricken, Ed gathered me up in his arms and rushed me to the hospital.
This is what happened 18 years ago today. My book, "Rescue from Darkness" tells the whole story. The reason I am sharing is to help prevent others from taking their lives. There is help available. Don't stay in a dark place alone. I would love to show you support and many others would as well.
I needed more education about mental illness, and support. Hopefully, there will soon be a mental health support group in Wainwright. Please let me know if you are interested in attending. There is no cost involved. By the grace of God, the prayers of many, and wonderful health care I am alive. I am so thankful that my family did not have to endure the pain of losing me through suicide.
My phone number is 780-887-5647 if you need to talk to someone.
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